A Review of Black Swan

We’re halfway through the 2010-2011 season, and though our team is out of a playoff spot right now, they return from a Western Conference trip with 5 out of 6 points and remain undefeated in regulation in the new year.  Back in Buffalo, our boys have the pending sale of the team, an injured first line center, and 8 games in 16 days, including games against the Habs, Flyers, Bruins, and Islanders.  (I know what you’re thinking.  Islanders?  Really, McGuffers?  You’re going to include them?  But the Islanders are 7-3 in their last 10 games. That’s tied with Philly’s record and the only team who’s done better in their last 10 is Vancouver, who have gone 8-0-2.  Blew my mind.) 

In order to relieve the stress of the upcoming weeks, a few of the Sabres decided to do some team bonding and see a movie.  We here at $#*! Harry Neale Says have asked the Sabres to give us a review of their chosen flick, Natalie Portman’s Black Swan. Please keep in mind that they are not professional movie critics, so there may be   will most likely be  will definitely be spoilers.  Do not continue reading if you plan on seeing the movie and would not want anything ruined.  Unless you already know the story of Swan Lake because it’s basically the same.  Only with schizophrenia.  And lesbian porn.

(office of $#*! Harry Neale Says)
Ryan Miller: “Is everyone here?”
Paul Gaustad: “Yes.”
Tim Connolly: (muffled through face mask) “Check.”
Jordon Leopold: “Always.”
Patrick Kaleta: “Word.”
Derek Roy: “Did Pommers make it?”
(Gaustad points to the corner)
Jason Pominville: (sitting in the corner on the floor rocking back and forth and shivering. His hands have been covered with wool socks to prevent him from scratching himself.)
Chris Butler: “Has he said anything yet?”
Drew Stafford: “Try this: Hey Pommers! Want me to clip your finger nails for you?” (walks over to Pominville with nail clippers)
Pominville: “NO MOMMY!! I’M NOT YOUR NINA ANYMORE!!!”
Gaustad: “Staffy, knock it off.”
Leopold: “I’m surprised he even went.”
Miller: “Drew told him we were going to see Tangled.”
Butler: “Dude, you’re such a dick.”
Stafford: “What?! I didn’t know what the hell this movie was about! I thought it was a film about Furries.”
Miller: “Alright, so besides Pommers, what did everyone think?”
Connolly: “I, for one, thought it was awesome. Best movie since Wild Things.”
Miller: “Do I even need to ask what your favorite scene wa…”
Connolly, Stafford, Kaleta: (in unison) “Lesbian sex scene.”
Miller: “Shocking.”
Gaustad: “That was a hallucination, right? They didn’t really, uh, ya know…”
Connolly: “I wouldn’t mind having some of those hallucinations.”
Rivet: “Well, I was actually compelled by Beth’s story. I really thought Winona Ryder did a great job portraying a character who loves her profession and knows she has so much more to give to her peers and fans despite being ruthlessly pushed out by her coach, er, company director.”
Gaustad: “So that scene with her in the hospital… was that a hallucination? Seriously does anyone know?”
Stafford: “You mean the one with the nail file?” (pulls out a nail file and looks menacingly at Pommers)
Pominville: “NOOOOO!!!! I’M YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS!!!”
Gaustad: “Staff, knock it off!”
Stafford: “He knows I’m just kidding!”
Leopold: “Pommers gets to choose the next one.”
Kaleta: “I am NOT going to see Country Strong.”
Rivet: “Actually that one looks good too. Isn’t that the one where the mature, experienced country singer proves she still has a full career and becomes a mentor for that younger actress from Gossip Girl?”
Roy: “I love Gossip Girl. Blake Lively is a fashion hero.”
Connolly: “I wonder if the chicks from Gossip Girl will do lesbian porn some day too. It certainly helped me take Mila Kunis seriously after all those years of acting with Ashton Kutcher.”
Butler: “I liked Kunis’s character, Lily. I mean, sure you could never tell if she was trying to be friends with Nina or steal the role from her, but in my opinion, Lily would have made a great Swan Queen. Granted, her methods were a bit harsh. (chuckles) I mean, I would never slip drugs into my rival’s drink so he has a bunch of homosexual and somewhat psychotic hallucinations involving me, but ya know, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.”
(Andrej Sekera suspiciously looks at his drink, then back at Butler.)
Miller: “I have to give both Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman credit on their amazing weight loss. They looked great!”
Gaustad: “I don’t know.  I was kind of shocked at just how tiny they were.”
Miller: “Exactly. They are the epitome of dedication. I always thought Natalie Portman could lose twenty pounds. It’s just too bad they put the weight back on. Now Portman would probably take an XL at The Refinery.”
Thomas Vanek: “I really felt for Nina. She just practiced and practiced so hard, but just continuously let herself and the company that was depending on her down.”
Gaustad: “Van, she really wasn’t letting them down. She was doing a good job, they just knew she could be something great and wanted to bring that part out of her. (mumbles) I think. They could have all been hallucinations too for all I could follow.”
Vanek: “No!! She failed them!! She’s always failing the team!! It will be her fault if they don’t make the playoffs!!”
Roy: “Should we put him in the corner with Pommers?”
Miller: “Maybe…”
Leopold: “I didn’t really get the end. I mean, she was bleeding the whole time and no one noticed? They wouldn’t have seen it on the costume?”
Roy: “Those were some fantastic costumes, by the way. Wouldn’t it be cool if our jerseys turned into wings while we played?”
Leopold: (ignoring Roy and continuing) “Especially with all those lifts that would put pressure on the abdomen? Could she really still perform through all that?”
Connolly: “Well it’s not like she had nine fractures in her nose. Or a broken rib. I mean, she was just dancing, not like, skating and getting checked into the boards.”
Kaleta: “Didn’t she break her shins backwards?”
Gaustad: “I think that was a hallucination, too. I think. God I hated this movie.”
Stafford: (takes feather from a toss pillow and starts stroking Pommer’s ear with it) “Remind you of anything, buddy?”
Pominville: (snaps out of his catatonic state and charges at Stafford, throwing him into a floor length mirror, then chases him around with a broken mirror shard) “NOOOOOOO!!!!!! IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!”
Stafford: (running away from Pominville) “What the hell???”
Pominville: (still chasing) “This team can count on me offensively again!! I’ve proven it!!!”
Stafford: “I know! But we’ve both been good! I can be your Black Swan!”
Pominville:  “HE CHOSE ME!!”
(Rivet and Butler finally tackle Pominville to the ground and try to sedate him)
Rivet: “Who picked this movie anyways?”
Roy: “It’s artistic.”
Leopold: “I wanted to see True Grit.”
Kaleta:The Fighter has Batman in it.”
Roy: “We could have just stayed in and rented Devil Wears Prada.”
(Butler calmly takes Pominville over to a couch.)
Pominville: (whispers) “I felt it. I was perfect.”
Gaustad: “I hope this whole year is a hallucination.”

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So Did You Hear the One About the Vasectomy?

Happy New Year everyone!  Hope the holidays were a blast!  I got a Kindle and Super Mario Galaxy 2 this year.  So that’s what I’ve been doing.  But I figure it’s time for a night off and a Sharks game gives me perfect opportunity to get my Sabre-loving butt back in gear.  Just remember, in order to watch this game, I have to take a break from Super Mario Galaxy 2, so if the Sabres lose, Bowser wins.

Sabres vs Sharks 1/6/11

-  Our first two stats going into this game are 1.  The Sabres lead the league with 8 short-handed goals… against.  And 2.  Jason Pominville has been “carrying the team offensively” lately.  *pause* I have 74 books on my Kindle that need to be read. *sighs* Nope.  I’m watching this game.

-  I know I give Roy-z serious shit, but I get a little sad when they mention he’s out for the season. 

-  Kevin Sylvestor seems surprised the RyanE ClowE is good.  As Owner/GM/Coach/PR Rep of the fantasy team, Silent But DeadlEEs, I can tell you that he’s been a stud for my team.  He’d be a lousy waiter though.

-  Niittymaki!! 

Punishment for jumping on my head at 3AM? Making my cat wear a Flyers jersey.

- Two stoppages of play before 30 seconds have elapsed. I don’t see how that isn’t a good sign.

-  There seems to be some discrepancy between what Harry Neale says and the stats graphics on the screen for these teams on the power play/penalty kill.  But from what I gather, neither of them is good at either.

-  Luke Adam is kind of a beast, huh?

-  I love Rick Jeanneret as much as the next Sabres fan, but when he retires, I’m really going to enjoy K Sly if he gets the job.  I’m pretty sure he and Harry Neale are both completely shit-faced, but they’re pretty adorable together.

-  I’m not sure how Harry Neale gets Grier and Myers mixed up in that crease skirmish, but when Rob Ray interjects and explains that both players were in the crease, I feel like Neale and Ray have the same relationship my grammy and I have.  Lots of love, but lots of eye rolls.

-  I’ve lost count, but I think the Weber/Clowe fight makes 423 penalties in the first period?

-  Yay Luke Adam!  I think you’re becoming my new favorite Sabre!

-  Remember for a while everyone made fun of Tim Connolly for having glass bones?  Every time I look at that face mask, I’m reminded that he finished the Tampa Bay game with 9 fractures in his nose.  Niiiiiiiine.  Two seasons ago, he played a game with a freaking broken rib.  You know what I’d do with a broken rib or 9 nose fractures?  Call in sick to work.  And my job is considerably less physical than his. 

-  Brian Campbell’s excessive sweating commercials?  Fail.  Ryan Miller’s Degree deodorant commercials?  Awesome.  Ryan Miller even sweats better than everyone else.

-  I never try to make professional sounding comments about the ice because I’ve never even been skating, but it seriously looks like garbage out there.  The goalies are having problems, the skaters are boggling the puck.  I’d say it’s quite chippy out there.  Ha!

-  Oh, nevermind.   According to Rob Ray, the goalies are having troubles because the puck is getting lost in the Sharks black jerseys.  Sure.  That’s why I’m not a pro, guys.

-  You know who else is bad ass?  Mike Grier.  Dude doesn’t even know he’s hurt until he starts bleeding through his socks.  I was going to make a reference to the Black Night in Monty Python’s Holy Grail (“It’s just a scratch!”), but that kind of sounds racist.

-  Wooo!!!  And now Yo-Yo has a 6 game point streak!! 

-  It seems like everyone’s getting kicked out of the face off circle.

-  I love the new uniforms and I love our logo, but doesn’t it always look like the Sabres have sweaty pit stains because of those gray patches?

-  Uh Oh.  Dan Boyle’s caught holding the stick.  It’s a good thing he’s good at hockey, because he’d make a lousy weatherman.

-  The first intermission has now made K Sly my favorite Sabre.  Seriously.

-  The Sabres haven’t given up any odd man rushes this game.  No 3 on zeros for you tonight, Millsey!

-  Whenever I see Gaustad talking smack, I always imagine it’s some pretty grade A material.  He seems like an intelligent guy and I find that the smarter you are, the nastier you can be.  I’d be very disappointed if he’s really saying stuff like, “I bet you don’t even rinse out your cans before you recycle them!  Planet killer!”

-  I know George Babcock’s hand gesture was to show how close the puck came to his head, but I giggled a bit because the 12-year-old boy in me thinks it looked like something else.  (“Seriously guys, it’s THIS big!”)

-  Ooooh!!  The Sharks get booed of the ice!!  Where are the Maple Leafs fans and their waffles?

My only problem with West Coast games is that I’m so tired by the third period, I’m ready to fall asleep.  Basically all I noticed was a lot of people got hit, everyone got kicked out of the face off circle, and Harry Neale made a joke that probably had a few men groaning.   All in all it was a pretty good substitute for my Kindle.  So congrats to Ryan Miller for an actual Shut out (3rd of the year and 20th of his career!) and congrats to Lindy for his 500th win!  Let’s just hope the rest of January is like this.

Harry Neale-isms of the Game

“There’s more hooks out there than in my tackle box.”

“I went for a run today and when I was running past the cemetery, two guys with shovels started chasing me!” (Just to be clear, this had nothing to do with the play on the ice.   Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.)

“Well, they’ve had trouble getting crowds and they’re running all kinds of specials.  Word’s out they’re gonna have Vasectomy Night.  All men that have had vasectomies, get their ticket prices clipped.”  (considering the Coyotes other options, this isn’t half bad)

Special Bonus:  Kevin Sylvester-isms of the Game

“When you catch a Shark, you need a bigger hook than that!” (If this blog were to be renamed in honor of K Sly, I would call it “Fun With Puns.”)

“It’s like the end of the month with speeding tickets.”  (Commenting on the overload of penalties in the first period)

“I’m going to try to find my dignity.”  (He’s a much better play by play guy than goalie)

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Countdown to Christmas: Day Ten – Christmas Eve!

Christmas is quickly coming upon us, and if you’re like me, work and school have left you quite behind on the Christmas shopping. Fortunately, the NHL hasn’t been disappointing. So to celebrate the Season of Giving, here are 10 days of Christmas gifts, compliments of the players we love, hate, or love to hate.

Day 10:  OH MY GOD!!!!!  HOLY $#*%!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I’m finishing off the countdown with my favorite moment in hockey from 2010.  This video needs no introduction, but I will say the title refers to my reaction when this happened:

A team no one even thought would medal.  I don’t care if we went on to lose in overtime and I don’t care that it was Canada’s wonder boy that scored the game winning goal.   Because we had this moment.  

So thank you, Zach.  I’m ready for 2014.

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Countdown to Christmas: Day Nine

Christmas is quickly coming upon us, and if you’re like me, work and school have left you quite behind on the Christmas shopping. Fortunately, the NHL hasn’t been disappointing. So to celebrate the Season of Giving, here are 10 days of Christmas gifts, compliments of the players we love, hate, or love to hate.

Day 9:  Duh   Duh Dah Dah   Dah Dah Duh   Duh Dah Dah Dah Duh

If you’re a fan of the Chicago Blackhawks, “Chelsea Dagger” by The Fratellis has probably become one of your favorite songs.  If you’re a fan of one of the other Western Conference teams, or you’re a Vancouver Canuck, then you probably want to take an ice pick to the ears when you hear it:

I actually really like the song and the taunting “Na Na Na Na Na” quality of opening makes it a great goal song.  If you hate the Flyers as much as Grrrreg and I do, then you were praying to hear Chelsea Dagger non stop in the 2010 finals. The Canucks had to hear the song 7 times in the game when they were eliminated by the Hawks in 2009, which explains their reaction to it going into another series with the Hawks a year later.  (While the Canucks would go on to lose again in 2010, most of the Blawkhawks wins were on the road, so the Canucks only had to hear the song a total of 6 times the entire series.  I’m a glass half full kind of girl.)

As you may be noticing from this blog, I love when we actually get to see some personality from the players.  And no, I don’t mean hanging out on Chippewa so I can go find out what color sheets Tim Connolly has.  I want to know that I’m cheering for actual human beings who truly care about winning.  How many times have you sat through a horrible, soul-crushing game, but all the players can say in their post game interviews is “It was a tough loss… we didn’t play our game… we’ll learn from this and come back stronger next time…”  blah blah blah.  Screw that.   Kesler and Bieksa rip off the headphones and Henrik Sedin runs away crying “Bad memories!”  To me that says, “I HATE THIS EFFING SONG AND I NEVER WANT THE BLACKHAWKS TO SCORE AGAIN.  EVER!!!” 

Now this video may not be pleasant for Canucks fans to watch due to the circumstances, but remember my Karmic retribution is the last three seconds when they show the elimination of the Amerks from the playoffs.  (Thanks for that one, Mr. Uploader.)

So just a word of caution: if you see Kevin Bieksa on the street, DON’T hum “Chelsea Dagger” to him. But seeing that my fantasy team is behind this week, Jonathan Toews better keep that bitch playing this Sunday!

P.S.  I’m sorry to whoever found this site by searching “watch Scarlett Johansenn’s boobs get sucked by guy”.  I can only imagine your disappointment.

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Countdown to Christmas: Day Eight

Christmas is quickly coming upon us, and if you’re like me, work and school have left you quite behind on the Christmas shopping. Fortunately, the NHL hasn’t been disappointing. So to celebrate the Season of Giving, here are 10 days of Christmas gifts, compliments of the players we love, hate, or love to hate.

Day 8:  Mrs. Butterworth is Obviously a Leafs Fan

Seeing that I’m from Rochester and not Buffalo, I don’t actually hate Toronto as much as I probably should.  The city is beautiful and the people are friendly.  I don’t like the Bills so I don’t care if they play there.  It took me a little while to get used to picking up their radio stations so clearly, which caused a lot of confusion with the weather and traffic reports, but other than that, I don’t have too many complaints. 

And I’ll admit another dirty little secret. I don’t hate the Leafs. I absolutely do not ever wish them to win, unless they’re playing the Senators, Rangers, Bruins, or Flyers, but that’s more of a lesser of two evils situation. I still like Mike Komisarek despite actually choosing to be a Leaf, and every time Clarke MacArthur scores, Darcy Regier gets a hemroid.

However, they really can’t buy a win right now and I’m sure if I was a Leafs fan, I’d want them all fired, tarred, feathered… and pelted with breakfast food:

(disclaimer:  Throwing items on the ice during the play is unsafe and could cause injury to the players.  $#*! Harry Neale Says does not recommend or encourage such behavior.  Even if injury would come to the Leafs and/or Thrashers.)

With that being said, and seeing that no one was hurt, this video is hysterical.  I have no idea what, if any, symbolism the waffles contain, but how often have you watched a sporting event where the following conversation took place:

Play by Play: “…and the shot in wide of the goal. Aaaannnddd…
Color: (dead pan) “Waffles.”

I realize that there really were waffles on the ice, so this wasn’t just some random interruption, but I am definitely going to start finishing my friends’ sentences that way.

Friend: “So yeah. I finally got a text back from him and all he could say was…”
mcguffers: “Waffles.”

Friend: “Has anyone seen my…”
mcguffers: “Waffles.”

Friend: “What the @#$%??? I’m so sick of these @#$%ing…”
mcguffers: “Waffles.”

It always works.

(Side note: When I first came to tour the apartment that would eventually be mine, the chick who was living here at the time didn’t do her breakfast dishes, so the whole place smelled like maple syrup and… you guessed it. Waffles. It’s been an ongoing joke that the reason I chose the place is because of my love for waffles.)

My only problem with this video, is I honestly feel bad for the players. Yeah, the Leafs were losing, but it certainly doesn’t look like they were just ready to roll over and die. There have been plenty of times when I’ve wanted to throw sharpened axes on the ice during Sabres games, but it would be after they wasted their fourth power play in a row. Or took their third stupid penalty. Or caused their 800th odd man rush with some lame ass turn over. It would NOT be when the Sabres were rushing in with a strong attack. Maybe afterwards, when that strong attack had dissolved into nothing and play had stopped to call our too many men on the ice penalty, but not during. The dejected look on Schenn’s, Kessel’s, and Bozak’s face pretty much says it all. Do you really want a demoralized Luke Schenn??

So I guess my point is, getting pissed at your team for being almost as bad as the Islanders is understandable. Throwing waffles is funny. Throwing waffles at Phil Kessel on a offensive rush shows questionable judgement. Making Luke Schenn mad shows very poor judgement.

If you want to show support for the waffle throwing without actually being escorted out of the game, I highly recommend just buying a t-shirt.

Alright, I’m off to get packed. I hope the last few days before the holidays aren’t too stressful for you. And no matter what, don’t throw your breakfast at anyone. Unless it’s Chris Pronger. And your breakfast is live piranha.

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Countdown to Christmas: Day Seven

Christmas is quickly coming upon us, and if you’re like me, work and school have left you quite behind on the Christmas shopping. Fortunately, the NHL hasn’t been disappointing. So to celebrate the Season of Giving, here are 10 days of Christmas gifts, compliments of the players we love, hate, or love to hate.

Day 7:  I’m Pretending Versus is That Tractor Tire

I’m extremely annoyed that tonight’s Sabres/Ducks game is blacked out because Versus owns exclusive rights to the barn burner that is sure to be the Caps/Devils game.  So instead of posting some nice, fluffy video of Rick Nash meeting one of his fans and handing out signed stuff, I’m giving you guys something that contains two of my favorite things:  hockey players in Under Armour and beating inanimate objects with sledgehammers.

Under Armour is seriously the best thing ever.  Call me a puck bunny if you want, but they’re clearly not showing off Tyler Seguin’s sweaty biceps just because he’s really good at hockey.  And we now know what Rick Nash does when he wants to improve his dekes.  Sledgehammers the snot out of a tractor tire.  Screw P90X, I think I’ve found my new work out regimen.  I’m pretty sure my school gym has both sledgehammers and large tires. 

So screw you, Versus.  Now I finally get to watch Toy Story 3 when I normally would have been watching the Sabres.  Or I’ll just watch this video 210 times.  Whichever.

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Countdown to Christmas: Day Six

Christmas is quickly coming upon us, and if you’re like me, work and school have left you quite behind on the Christmas shopping. Fortunately, the NHL hasn’t been disappointing. So to celebrate the Season of Giving, here are 10 days of Christmas gifts, compliments of the players we love, hate, or love to hate.

Day 6:  Someone Please Get This Kid an NBC Press Pass.

As I sit here watching indepth analysis Brian Engblom’s hair on Versus, I can’t help but wonder how someone mentally prepares to play against Zdeno Chara. 

Actually no.  I’m not wondering that.  But if I was, I wouldn’t have to wonder for too long, because it only gets asked of every player who’s ever had to play against the Bruins since they aquired the behemoth in black and gold.  I really wish there was a reporter out there who was brave enough to ask the tough questions, like “How much money did Duncan Keith get from the Tooth Fairy?”  or “Who’s the biggest turkey on the Blackhawks?” 

Fortunately, the Chicago Blackhawks have found that star reporter:

Yeah, pretty much any time I’m able to say “Awwww!!  How cute!!” while watching a video with Brian Campbell in it, you know there’s got to be a massive level of adorable-ness in it.  But besides being much cuter than Pierre McGuire, Joey’s also pretty knowledgeable.  If Luke Adam asked me who wears number 72 for the Sabres, I wouldn’t even guess Luke Adam.  Also, I probably wouldn’t know I was talking to Luke Adam because I’m not totally sure what he looks like yet.  (Seriously guys, it’s inexcusable how bad I’ve been about watching the Sabres lately.) 

Plus, he’s got six full years of fandom under his belt, so he’s no Hawks bandwagoner! 

Bonus for Day 6:  Now if you didn’t watch the Ducks/Bruins game on Versus and you don’t live in the San Jose broadcasting region, then you probably missed this.  So today, I’m giving two gifts:

I know, I know.  Two days of Sharks.  But seriously.  RyanE ClowE in a turleneck/v sweater combo.  Joe Thornton “dancing.”  Danny Boyle “singing”.  One of my favorite ex-Amerks, Scott Nichol, dressed as a reindeer.  Even Dany Heatley can’t ruin this holiday cheer!

Alright, sorry today’s gifts were posted so late, but I spent most of today making a snuggie for a puppy.  And Internet Explorer won’t let me spell check.  So have fun with this sucker!

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