We’re halfway through the 2010-2011 season, and though our team is out of a playoff spot right now, they return from a Western Conference trip with 5 out of 6 points and remain undefeated in regulation in the new year. Back in Buffalo, our boys have the pending sale of the team, an injured first line center, and 8 games in 16 days, including games against the Habs, Flyers, Bruins, and Islanders. (I know what you’re thinking. Islanders? Really, McGuffers? You’re going to include them? But the Islanders are 7-3 in their last 10 games. That’s tied with Philly’s record and the only team who’s done better in their last 10 is Vancouver, who have gone 8-0-2. Blew my mind.)
In order to relieve the stress of the upcoming weeks, a few of the Sabres decided to do some team bonding and see a movie. We here at $#*! Harry Neale Says have asked the Sabres to give us a review of their chosen flick, Natalie Portman’s Black Swan. Please keep in mind that they are not professional movie critics, so there may be will most likely be will definitely be spoilers. Do not continue reading if you plan on seeing the movie and would not want anything ruined. Unless you already know the story of Swan Lake because it’s basically the same. Only with schizophrenia. And lesbian porn.
(office of $#*! Harry Neale Says)
Ryan Miller: “Is everyone here?”
Paul Gaustad: “Yes.”
Tim Connolly: (muffled through face mask) “Check.”
Jordon Leopold: “Always.”
Patrick Kaleta: “Word.”
Derek Roy: “Did Pommers make it?”
(Gaustad points to the corner)
Jason Pominville: (sitting in the corner on the floor rocking back and forth and shivering. His hands have been covered with wool socks to prevent him from scratching himself.)
Chris Butler: “Has he said anything yet?”
Drew Stafford: “Try this: Hey Pommers! Want me to clip your finger nails for you?” (walks over to Pominville with nail clippers)
Pominville: “NO MOMMY!! I’M NOT YOUR NINA ANYMORE!!!”
Gaustad: “Staffy, knock it off.”
Leopold: “I’m surprised he even went.”
Miller: “Drew told him we were going to see Tangled.”
Butler: “Dude, you’re such a dick.”
Stafford: “What?! I didn’t know what the hell this movie was about! I thought it was a film about Furries.”
Miller: “Alright, so besides Pommers, what did everyone think?”
Connolly: “I, for one, thought it was awesome. Best movie since Wild Things.”
Miller: “Do I even need to ask what your favorite scene wa…”
Connolly, Stafford, Kaleta: (in unison) “Lesbian sex scene.”
Miller: “Shocking.”
Gaustad: “That was a hallucination, right? They didn’t really, uh, ya know…”
Connolly: “I wouldn’t mind having some of those hallucinations.”
Rivet: “Well, I was actually compelled by Beth’s story. I really thought Winona Ryder did a great job portraying a character who loves her profession and knows she has so much more to give to her peers and fans despite being ruthlessly pushed out by her coach, er, company director.”
Gaustad: “So that scene with her in the hospital… was that a hallucination? Seriously does anyone know?”
Stafford: “You mean the one with the nail file?” (pulls out a nail file and looks menacingly at Pommers)
Pominville: “NOOOOO!!!! I’M YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS!!!”
Gaustad: “Staff, knock it off!”
Stafford: “He knows I’m just kidding!”
Leopold: “Pommers gets to choose the next one.”
Kaleta: “I am NOT going to see Country Strong.”
Rivet: “Actually that one looks good too. Isn’t that the one where the mature, experienced country singer proves she still has a full career and becomes a mentor for that younger actress from Gossip Girl?”
Roy: “I love Gossip Girl. Blake Lively is a fashion hero.”
Connolly: “I wonder if the chicks from Gossip Girl will do lesbian porn some day too. It certainly helped me take Mila Kunis seriously after all those years of acting with Ashton Kutcher.”
Butler: “I liked Kunis’s character, Lily. I mean, sure you could never tell if she was trying to be friends with Nina or steal the role from her, but in my opinion, Lily would have made a great Swan Queen. Granted, her methods were a bit harsh. (chuckles) I mean, I would never slip drugs into my rival’s drink so he has a bunch of homosexual and somewhat psychotic hallucinations involving me, but ya know, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.”
(Andrej Sekera suspiciously looks at his drink, then back at Butler.)
Miller: “I have to give both Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman credit on their amazing weight loss. They looked great!”
Gaustad: “I don’t know. I was kind of shocked at just how tiny they were.”
Miller: “Exactly. They are the epitome of dedication. I always thought Natalie Portman could lose twenty pounds. It’s just too bad they put the weight back on. Now Portman would probably take an XL at The Refinery.”
Thomas Vanek: “I really felt for Nina. She just practiced and practiced so hard, but just continuously let herself and the company that was depending on her down.”
Gaustad: “Van, she really wasn’t letting them down. She was doing a good job, they just knew she could be something great and wanted to bring that part out of her. (mumbles) I think. They could have all been hallucinations too for all I could follow.”
Vanek: “No!! She failed them!! She’s always failing the team!! It will be her fault if they don’t make the playoffs!!”
Roy: “Should we put him in the corner with Pommers?”
Miller: “Maybe…”
Leopold: “I didn’t really get the end. I mean, she was bleeding the whole time and no one noticed? They wouldn’t have seen it on the costume?”
Roy: “Those were some fantastic costumes, by the way. Wouldn’t it be cool if our jerseys turned into wings while we played?”
Leopold: (ignoring Roy and continuing) “Especially with all those lifts that would put pressure on the abdomen? Could she really still perform through all that?”
Connolly: “Well it’s not like she had nine fractures in her nose. Or a broken rib. I mean, she was just dancing, not like, skating and getting checked into the boards.”
Kaleta: “Didn’t she break her shins backwards?”
Gaustad: “I think that was a hallucination, too. I think. God I hated this movie.”
Stafford: (takes feather from a toss pillow and starts stroking Pommer’s ear with it) “Remind you of anything, buddy?”
Pominville: (snaps out of his catatonic state and charges at Stafford, throwing him into a floor length mirror, then chases him around with a broken mirror shard) “NOOOOOOO!!!!!! IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!”
Stafford: (running away from Pominville) “What the hell???”
Pominville: (still chasing) “This team can count on me offensively again!! I’ve proven it!!!”
Stafford: “I know! But we’ve both been good! I can be your Black Swan!”
Pominville: “HE CHOSE ME!!”
(Rivet and Butler finally tackle Pominville to the ground and try to sedate him)
Rivet: “Who picked this movie anyways?”
Roy: “It’s artistic.”
Leopold: “I wanted to see True Grit.”
Kaleta: “The Fighter has Batman in it.”
Roy: “We could have just stayed in and rented Devil Wears Prada.”
(Butler calmly takes Pominville over to a couch.)
Pominville: (whispers) “I felt it. I was perfect.”
Gaustad: “I hope this whole year is a hallucination.”
$#*! Harry Neale Says 